What a relief--the school festival is finally over. It was such a hassle, what with me having to help plan for our class booth (as I'm one of the class reps), and help run that, the kendo, and track booths. I'm glad it all went over so well; we had a huge turnout.

I'm still very busy, though, with club activities, kendo practices and class, my running schedule, homework and studying, and commitments to friends. School exams are coming up soon, and then winter break. Times like these make me glad that I'm able to do well at school without attending cram school or studying every free moment. I've even managed to stay in the running for class valedictorian. I have no idea how--must be a miracle or mistake.

On the topic of improbable things, I've finally broken past 5'3". I've shot up two inches over the past month and a half. Unfortunately, it means I have to go clothes shopping now. Noriko's graciously decided to "help" me and go with me next weekend. Truly something to look forward to.

In which I hate everyone and everything. I'm so frustrated; why can't everyone just leave me alone? Noriko's been on my case all weekend. I have no idea what she wants--other than to drive me out of my mind, which, sadly, has already been accomplished. Between her and Miyako texting me, I've turned off my phone. No, I don't want to hear about your wonderful life where you have the perfect person, and you're both madly in love, and you're living together in your perfect little apartment, and everything's just so freaking perfect.

...yes, I am a terrible, selfish person. Yes, I'm miserable and lonely. Yes, I sometimes still want to slice my arms up or jump off a very tall building or take too many pills and never wake up. Who wouldn't want to be me, huh?

I think this is the lack of sleep talking, at least I hope it is. My usual four to five hours has been cut to two, maybe three hours if I'm lucky. I've been having a lot of nightmares, but different from before. They aren't darkness-induced. Instead, they're the much funner kind that stars my favorite person of all times, Ichijouji. I wonder if that will become less weird to say and type over time... Sometimes it's reliving the past but worse, sometimes it's him telling me how much he hates me and how worthless I am, sometimes it's watching him with other people... like Daisuke, Takeru, Michael... Any possible scenario my twisted little mind can dredge up, really. It saddens me that I can be such an ugly person. Anyone that's had contact with him is automatically put under scrutiny. It's pathetic how obsessive and jealous I am. I don't want to be.

I don't want to love him at all. If I could, I think I would just erase it all.

They have so many pills now a days to fix things. Correct the tiny flaws you despise. It's about time I ask for sleeping pills. I've been avoiding taking any pills up to this point because of my drug overdose. I know I didn't do it on purpose. I know. But so many people asked 'Really?', it makes me question myself. I just need control.

Control and sleep.

Take the white one, it'll calm your mind.
Take the red one, to slow time.
Take the blue one, to mend the wounds.
The green one's for nerves.
Purple puts everything into perspective.
So where's the pill to kill my love for you?
I'd pay anything for that one...

I haven't been in the mood to write for a long time now, haven't been back to lj until today. I don't know why since I still don't feel like writing. But maybe I should, so I will.

I haven't been online, not because I'm busy, although I am, but because I was distancing myself again. Last month... I told Ke--Ichijouji that we were done for good. Over. The end. Fin. I don't know how I managed it... it almost felt like I was disconnected from it, that it was someone else telling him to leave. And he did; he left just like all the times before. It's what he's good at.

After that, I was out of school for a week. I broke down, again. Just crawled into bed and pretended I was dead. The first two days, Mom thought I was sick so she left me alone. On the third day she started to get worried, tried to talk me into going to the hospital. I ignored her. The fourth day Grandpa came in, picked me up, and walked me to the bathroom. Then he dumped me in the tub and turned on the cold water. Great wake up call, that.

Most of Friday was spent with Shiraishi. She gave me the option of going back to weekly or keeping with the new biweekly sessions. I picked biweekly; I'm sick of letting people down. If she thinks I'm getting better then I have to believe that. No matter how hard that proves to be.

Two, three years... all down the drain...

It's not all bad, though. Grandpa and I are actually talking now, like real conversations. I guess he saw something during my breakdown that changed his mind about me. He's really trying...

I started teaching at the dojo again. I have the Monday, Wednesday, and Friday beginner classes in the evening and then I help run the intermediate class on Saturday mornings. I'm also studying with Grandpa by myself. It's very intense--we've been using live steel instead of practice swords.

I'm not teaching out of the goodness of my heart, though. We worked out a deal: Grandpa's giving me the money to pay for my tattoo removal and I pay him back by working in the dojo. Had my first session on the 26th, September. Ironic that you pay them when it hurts so much. It takes a long too, individual sessions and the overall span of sessions. The next one isn't until the 31st. I wish it didn't take so long. I want this tattoo gone as soon as possible. I'm not leaving any more reminders.

I think I'm done for today. I'm not really here and it shows. I think I'll call Noriko. One person lost, two persons gained...

No such thing.

And that will continue to be the case. My life's very busy right now and I don't have much time for this, so don't look to this for contacting me. If you need to talk to me, try my mobile. That's the most reliable.

I've got to go now or I'll be late to meet Noriko.

Nothing new there (clubs, classes, more clubs, homework, and repeat) but I got a surprise yesterday. Guess who the new transfer is in my class? Kawada Noriko--if you're scratching your heads, think dark seeds.

I'm not sure I would have made the connection if she hadn't ID-ed me, rather rudely might I say. Then again, now that I think about it, the only times she would have heard my name at all would have been when we were all talking together, hence only knowing my first name. It is rather inconvenient, however, since some of my classmates have gotten it in their heads that Kawada and I have some kind of romantic past. The home room teacher too, I think; he switched over the role of guide to me when he found out that we knew each other. Since then she's been following me around all the time. What fun.

I'm probably just being overly suspicious since she seems nice enough, but the whole situation just strikes me as weird.

I can't believe I'm doing this again. Every time I try to talk to him I end up making a complete fool of myself. Every. Time. Actually, wanting to talk to him in the first place is probably foolish too.

It's so frustrating; I feel like I have no power in the relationship dynamics. So much for having gained more self-confidence and such.

...

You know what, forget that. I'm a mature, responsible individual that can assert my own needs and wants. I've taken time to reevaluate myself and others; I am able to communicate in a... an...

I'm so full of bullshit.

Today was a good day, maybe even a really good day. So why do I feel so... blank? I had an appointment with Shiraishi earlier; I brought a copy of my last private post with me and showed it to her. I needed to get it out to another person, blogging just feels like talking to myself. I do too much of that as it is.

It was odd, though; she said she was proud of me. But what for? Splattering my metaphorical guts out in text? I don't find that particularly pride-inducing, especially considering how it was basically an essay on all the stupid things I've done in the past years. (Though, I forgot to write about smoking and an acquiring a tattoo. Those were both high on the stupidity chart.) However, Shiraishi said that she thinks I've made a lot of progress and now I'm going to have sessions bi-weekly instead of every week.

So if I've made progress, why does it seem like I'm even more lost?

...when you aren't even looking.

( Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog )

Perhaps I was too hasty in deeming past relationships as lost causes. My friendship with Miyako has gotten better over the past weeks; maybe all it needed was time? I'm not sure it will ever be as good a friendship as it was when we were little, but I suppose that's to be expected. In the past years, we had started growing apart. We'll probably always be friends--if we can get over my recent less than glowing past, we can get over anything, can't we?--but best friends? I don't know.

I wonder if she even remembers that, when we promised to be best friends forever. We even did that silly blood brother thing--she really did, and probably still does, read the weirdest things.

Even childhood oaths can't stop growing up, though. Because, really, that's all it is. Growing up, changing. It's funny, but when I was nine I thought I knew exactly how my life was going to be; how I was going to be. And then I got my D3, and went to the DigiWorld, and meet Armadimon, and did tons of things no nine year old should ever have to do.

Maybe that was my ultimate changing point, the DigiWorld. If I had never gone, never known, maybe I would have grown up to be a great man, someone that would bring honor to the family name. Instead, I'm... I don't know anymore. For a couple years after our adventure in the DigiWorld, I was still trying to fit into my grandfather's values. I even thought I had a crush on Mimi--what a laugh. She's a nice enough person, sure, but I really don't know her that well. Perhaps I had thought she'd be a suitable person for a crush since Miyako was so enthralled with her. ...huh. Now that I think about it, maybe enamored would be a more appropriate word for it. Maybe Miyako was the one that truly had a crush on Mimi and I was just picking up on. I was always following her lead.

And then I did the same thing again with Koushiro, a year or so later. I was so determined that I should have someone to like because, I think, everyone else did. I'd grown up thinking that even though I was younger I had to be at the same level as everyone else. Still do; it's not just something you can decide to change right there and then. Most likely, it's a complex I'll have for years to come. But, anyway, the whole thing with Koushiro was a complete and absolute bust. What was I thinking when I targeted him for my childish scheme?

Again, how laughable is that now. At the time, though, he seemed to have all the qualities that I respected. He's knowledgeable, nice, caring. However, what I didn't think about, was that he's also extremely dense about anything not related to computers, unreliable to some extent, and yet again, someone I don't know that well. I think Takeru and Daisuke's relationship may have had some weight on my choosing, as well. They were the 'it' couple--sad to think they didn't make it after all; I mean, if they couldn't, who can?--back then and everyone seemed so okay with it. That, coupled with my curiosity towards same-sex relationships, was probably a major factor.

Unfortunately, that stupidity was followed by a even great one--cutting. Ironic, really, when you think about what lead me to doing it: I thought I was a freak because I didn't genuinely like anyone, that there was something wrong with me, and so I pushed myself to have feelings for someone. It could have been anyone; it wouldn't have matter to me because I just wanted someone to like me back for who I was. Silly because I didn't know who I was back then and I still don't know who I am now. Also, because I was judging people by what I thought I saw, going by their surface appearance, but didn't want people to judge me by what they saw on the surface. And when that someone I had picked said they couldn't like me back, I got it in my head that no one would ever like me or even love me, all because I thought that the someone, Koushiro, was a symbolic representation of all the following someones in the future that would also never feel anything for me because he couldn't.

And so I started hating myself. And I started cutting because that felt like the only thing I could control in my life. It hurt like hell the first couple of times, and I would think 'What the hell am I doing? Why?'. But that never stopped me. Soon enough, it didn't hurt anymore, and worse, it even felt good sometimes. How perverse; I could probably have gotten off on cutting, but I'd get queasy about masturbation. How warped is that? No more, I suppose, than all the things I would do during sex with Ken.

Ken. Now that's a topic I could go on forever about and still not say enough.

Where to start there? He came after Koushiro and cutting; he hated himself even more than I did. I didn't really know that at the time, but I think he saw all my self hatred and that's why he got interested in me. It was probably a game to him, at least in the start. No, I know it was a game to him. A little charade to play with people's heads, the more people he could screw over the better.

That was when I first became sexual. I had never done anything up to that point, never really had wanted to. Which was probably perfectly normal, considering I was 14 then. How wrong is that? I lost my virginity when I was 14. 14. I was still in junior high then. Wow...

Well, there's another example of how eager I was to grown up, I guess. Thinking back on it now, I was much, much too young for that. I don't know if I could honestly say I would change it, though, if I had the chance. It doesn't really matter since I can't.

In the beginning, it was just playing love. I really did like him; he made me feel alive. He also made me completely and utterly stupid. I was such a little brat during that time. 'Hey, look guys! I decided it would be fun to put holes in my body!' 'Hey, look! I can be sexy! I can make out and stuff too!' I wish I could explain that part, but it was just about me craving attention and being a little bitch to everyone around me. I definitely wasn't ready to be in a relationship back then.

I got a little better during the break between fake relationship and real relationship. That was when it became real love and not just playing at it. But I became entrapped in it. I pulled back from all my friends and my family until there was only Ken. And when he faked his death, that almost killed me. Even 'death' couldn't break my dependency on him, though, and when he came for me I jumped at the chance to be back with him. It didn't matter to me that I would crush my family. Didn't matter that I would hurt my friends. Didn't even matter how wrong it was, that Ken had done that to me. He was there and so I wanted to be there.

And now I'm back to here, back to now. I'd like to think that I've grown for the better and have learned from my numerous past mistakes, but I'm not sure I have. I'd probably still be with Ken today if it hadn't been for the darkness. I'm almost grateful to it, actually, because it made me save myself. No one else was going to do it for me. And that's where I realized that I had to stand on my own two feet for a change. That I should define myself for myself about myself, with no influence from outside parties.

It's hard. I slip. I still don't love myself. I wish that things could be easier: that Grandpa would say more than a handful of words to me, than Ken would want me as much as I want him, that all my past relationships could be fixed just like that.

Growing up really sucks.

I'm not sure if I'm happy about that yet or not. Regardless, this summer has been good. I ended up going on several trips with school friends. In fact, I just got back from Summer Sonic '09 yesterday; about half the kendo team and some of the track (we have some membership overlap between the two clubs) went together.

Since the concert was near Chiba, we rented two rooms, one for the girls and one for the guys, at a nearby hotel so that we wouldn't have to bother with commuting on the trains. It turned out to be a really good decision since we were out late every night; we barely got any sleep as it was. Saturday night we didn't even leave the concert grounds. Instead, we camped out on the beach. No one got any sleep that night because some of the upperclassman decided we should stay up all night and any unsuspecting victim that fell asleep got thrown into the water. For a while there, it turned into a water fight.

The whole thing was worth it, though. The concert was amazing. There were six stages, seven if you count the Riverside Garden, and bands were playing at every one all throughout the day and most of the night. It was nonstop music, dancing, and partying all three days; it was crazy how many people were there. Here's a view of the layout.

How about everybody else? How have your summer vacations been?

Also, Miyako, do you have any nail polish remove that I can borrow?

When the nightmare haunts.
When sleep won't come.
When it all just feels too dark, too sad, too real, too much.
How can I feel anything but alone?

Anyone up for Summer Sonic? It looks like it'll be great.

Apparently, I am going on a trip come Monday. I think we're going to Chiba, but I'm not really sure since I seem to have missed the whole part where I agreed to go on said trip with the rest of the track team. Funny that...

In other news, finals are over with.

I wonder if I really belong here anymore. If it wasn't for family... I might have turned tail and run by now. Even now I'm thinking about it. It would be easier... maybe. Maybe not. I mean, the couple of months I was by myself I spent most of it in that hellhole. And I came out of that just great, didn't I--broken fingers, malnutrition, the beginnings of starvation, a concussion. Not to mention the wonders it did to my psyche. And before, when I was still when Ken, it was... nice, at times. It was really nice sometimes, when he would spend the day with me. But other times... it was just a bad situation I allowed myself to enter.

So, no. Running away wouldn't accomplish anything. I'm beginning to doubt that staying will help, though, where it concerns the other chosen. They care about me; I get it. I don't understand--not after all the shit I've done--but I get it. But caring only goes so far. There's a distance there that isn't easy to fix, if it can be fixed. We've all become very different people, and time and distance have only helped to separate us. I don't feel close to any of them anymore, not even Miyako... Miya... we used to be so close. We grew up together; I considered her family. But now, there's just this... void between us.

When we met up Saturday, it was like talking to a stranger. Okay, maybe not a stranger. A stranger wouldn't have yelled at me for 20 minutes straight, or at all. There was definitely awkwardness, though.

We started out talking about school and life in general (the screaming part was in there too). She told me about college, how she was thinking of moving out and getting her own place, that she was dating Hikari. That was the weirdest part. I mean... Miyako's always chased after boys. I was there; I know. And now she's... what? Girl love from here on out? Just experimenting? Bisexual? It's just too weird...

It's like, I leave for a year and all the rules change. But I'm still stuck here, playing by the old rules, wondering what happened. What did happen?

I don't have time for this. Finals start tomorrow.

I didn't think it could hurt any more than it already did. Guess I was wrong. I wonder if I really made the right decision. Shiraishi didn't help any; she just kept asking what I thought every time I asked her opinion. But I don't know what I think anymore. Maybe I made the worst decision of my life last night. Maybe I didn't. Maybe Ken and I aren't meant to be together. Maybe we are. Maybe... maybe... maybe... There are too many maybe's.

How can love go so wrong? How can it be wrong?

:from cell: Can we meet up this weekend?